the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.