Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.