March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
There鈥檚 a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who鈥檇 had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can鈥檛 wait for my family鈥檚 turn.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
eyes: what鈥檚 that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If life has taught me one thing, it鈥檚 that I need more money.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can鈥檛 sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can鈥檛 sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can鈥檛 sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can鈥檛 sleep sealed up in your friend鈥檚 catacombs.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes