[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle