I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family