My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”