Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol