Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”