this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.