with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off