You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild