If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture