Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.