“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.