I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things