You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.