embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…