My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”