Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?