The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.