When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it