We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.