Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.