Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight