I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.