You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode