Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around