every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids