My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.