Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.