coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don鈥檛 need extravagant gifts for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I couldn鈥檛 find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn鈥檛 really work tho, only got 20% off.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My life coach traded me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy