Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm