my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
