I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire