One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*