Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…