Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do