I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.