I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*