every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
your daddy is a what now?
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this