Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.