me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Just organising my finances.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I’m ready to try another planet.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
