“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.