Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My life coach traded me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be