if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.