If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Can’t, holding a grudge
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred