Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Can’t, holding a grudge
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account