Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.