Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making