I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.